Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
