Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
