Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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