I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
home. puking in laundry basket.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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