How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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