dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
