Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
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You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
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I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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