Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
