I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
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The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
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I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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