Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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