i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
