Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
