Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Randomize
