I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
