My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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