I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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