The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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