I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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