I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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