In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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