Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
