Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
