Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
