He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
whose parrot is this?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
