Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
