I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
