My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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