dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
