i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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