Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
