Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
