Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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