I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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