at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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