respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He? As in you personified your dick?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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