Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
