so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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