i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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