I accidentally had phone sex last night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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