We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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