Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
