at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
