there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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