If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
