I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
