You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
