I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
