sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
