Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Randomize
