i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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