Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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