I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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