pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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