walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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