I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
