my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
