The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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